Suicidal thoughts and surviving.

I didn’t have the greatest of childhoods I spent years in and out of hospital with various ailments. I felt like I was a burden and sank into alcoholism and depression. One night after having had yet another spell in intensive care I couldn’t live with it anymore. I felt there was only one way out, to make it easier on those around me. Simply put I tried to kill myself. Thankfully I failed and sought help it took years but I’m finally able to talk about it openly. So I wrote the following poem as a salve.

Dream Spiral

 

Life twists, turns and spirals,

A leaf caught in an uncaring grasp,

Sometimes gentle, sometimes harsh.

 

The dreamer wakes the downward spiral,

Despair thickened like molasses,

Sinks to his chest in toxicity.

 

Life crushed, broken dolls,

Limbs scattered as flotsam,

 on unwashed shores.

 

The pain of living pulls despondently

Towards broken promises,

Painful half truths writ large.

 

Bitterly shaken hands grasp bottles,

Let loose the genie, pain killers to numb

Sleeping pills to drift away.

 

Life smashed on scattered sands,

Tears fell unnoticed washed away

By white horses as he drank the past

 

No more tomorrows, no more pain,

Memories discarded among the flotsam

Driftwood returns to driftwood.

 

Feeble flicker of life refuses

To pass fights to live,

Bile rises, darkness

Descends.

 

The dreamer awakes

Discarded, carried on a sea of bile

Half digested pills, whisky stinks the air.

 

Slowly painfully picks up the phone

Dials a half forgotten number

“hello? I tried to kill myself”

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